A Peasant Farmer's guide to Anti-speke.

Badger Cull-Support our Farmers

A PEASANT FARMER'S GUIDE TO ANTI-SPEAK.

A really helpful glossary of commonly used terms translated from the 'antidrivel' by our resident peasant for the benefit of the confused. Do please feel free to cut out and keep this useful guide.

Badger:- God's greatest creation, superior to every other creature in the entire universe. Blessed with the most adorable stripey little snub-nosed face, and believed to be entirely vegan apart from nibbling on the occasional suicidal earthworm. All badgers will eventually pass away peacefully of old age (apart from those tragically flattened by horrid cars), surrounded by their grieving families and soothed by specially composed Brian May laments.

Wildlife:- this in fact means 'badger', as in 'This government is intent on wiping out Britain's wildlife'.

Murder:- erroneously believed to mean one human unlawfully killing another, this does in fact mean cruel humans killing darling badgers.

Genocide:- see 'Murder'. And do keep up.

Pest Control:- Totally acceptable eradication of rodents from your child's school, or the supermarket, or the local chippie. This is because these creatures spread disease, do massive amounts of damage and are not adorably stripey. Any old method is fine, just get rid of the horrid feckers, now.

Biosecurity:- a lovely scientific sounding word which makes the most suburban and fluffy of anti-cullers feel as if they know what they're talking about. Apparently it's something to do with keeping nasty cattle away from darling badgers.

Anecdotal evidence:- a soothing expression conveniently used to dismiss a fact which you do not want to be true. A classic example of this is 'The latest culls have already resulted in many farms in the cull zones testing clear.'

Trophic Cascade:- no, not a heavy rock band from the seventies, but another wonderfully soothing concept which suggests that having all their eggs constantly destroyed by foraging wildlife (qv) is actually really beneficial to skylarks. Frequently used by the more pompous anti-cullers, this one can be filed under 'bullshit baffles brains'.

Tuberculosis:- A minor ailment, shamefully used as an excuse to 'murder wildlfe' (qv).

So there we have it. Never let it be said that this wonderful page is not educational.

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